There are moments when I feel very special and lucky. There are moments I want to retreat to a corner, assume the foetal position and sob uncontrollably.
And it's at these times I feel very PRIVILEGED....
Because I have TIME to do all these things. I am home, I am in my private domain and I can cycle through the Stages of Grief without an audience, and equally I can be very proud of myself for a job well done, again, without an audience.
This week, our family has had to deal with very confronting issues and instead of having to return to an office, present the "work face", I could come home and DEAL WITH SHIT....privately.
I can let calls go to voicemail (possibly the best invention .... EVER!), I can let the door bell ring and not answer, I can consume a block of chocolate without criticism. I don't have a "face" at home.
And I feel PRIVILEGED.
I was on the treadmill earlier in the week. It was time to move to a new challenge, but this was not a week I could endure another failure. But I was alone. If I didn't make it, it didn't matter. Never being one for the foot race (swimming was always my bag), I began the 1km walk/1km jog x 2 programme with a whole lot of fear.
I had my beloved Triple J on the radio because the music selection always surprises....and off I went. Half way through the jog I was beginning to wonder if I'd taken on too much, but finished it.
The following 1km walk was a struggle because the negative self-talk kicked in.....
"You'll never do the second jog...
just take it easy and walk another km.
You have a lot of crap to deal with when you finish here....
do it EASY!"
Not only am I great at ignoring others, I am equally great at ignoring myself LOL.
And with 200m to go in the final jog, Triple J plays "Breathe" by The Prodigy. I can hear the groans of disapproval already...."not that band", but it took me to a whole different level. The energy in the music and lyrics just gave me that extra push, and all music profoundly effects me....
But read this.....
Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Come play my game.
Inhale, inhale, [...]
Come play my game.
Exhale, exhale, exhale.
And there's the challenge.....
Come play my game
I'll test you
Breathe the pressure
And that fires me up!!
And I smiled a real smile
A "job-well-done" smile
An "I'm-so-freakin'-proud-of-myself" smile
And I BREATHED in, and EXHALED slowly, to face the PRESSURE.