That's how I feel right now
unable to think straight
order things in my life
be the mother/wife/friend I want to be
I feel this great surge of helplessness and I feel mute and paralysed.
What an awful feeling....
I have no idea where to begin -
who can help me (not in a "let's have a chat..." way - done heaps of that already)
who can help Rainer (there's the rub!!)
and who can help me to help Rainer.
Do I stay on course?
Alter the current course?
Or jump ship altogether?
I've dug myself this great big, dirty SHITHOLE and I don't know what the answer is to stop it from stinking to high Heaven.
I have lost faith in a lot of people (no need to go into details here) who I trusted to help me answer these questions in the past......
and now I feel lost........
BUT knowing who I am
things will become clearer (which may involve me swallowing my pride a little - really hate that...admitting I "may" have been incorrect or been given information that may not be quite truthful - grrrrrr)
the shithole will compost nicely and fertilise the seed of doubt in my head
and a beautiful garden full of possibilities will emerge....