!! paralysed !!

That's how I feel right now

unable to think straight
order things in my life
be the mother/wife/friend I want to be

I feel this great surge of helplessness and I feel mute and paralysed.

What an awful feeling....

I have no idea where to begin -

who can help me (not in a "let's have a chat..." way - done heaps of that already)
who can help Rainer (there's the rub!!)
and who can help me to help Rainer.

Do I stay on course?
Alter the current course?
Or jump ship altogether?

I've dug myself this great big, dirty SHITHOLE and I don't know what the answer is to stop it from stinking to high Heaven.

I have lost faith in a lot of people (no need to go into details here) who I trusted to help me answer these questions in the past......

and now I feel lost........

BUT knowing who I am

things will become clearer (which may involve me swallowing my pride a little - really hate that...admitting I "may" have been incorrect or been given information that may not be quite truthful - grrrrrr)

the shithole will compost nicely and fertilise the seed of doubt in my head

and a beautiful garden full of possibilities will emerge....

possibilities.......