!! paralysed !!

That's how I feel right now

unable to think straight
order things in my life
be the mother/wife/friend I want to be

I feel this great surge of helplessness and I feel mute and paralysed.

What an awful feeling....

I have no idea where to begin -

who can help me (not in a "let's have a chat..." way - done heaps of that already)
who can help Rainer (there's the rub!!)
and who can help me to help Rainer.

Do I stay on course?
Alter the current course?
Or jump ship altogether?

I've dug myself this great big, dirty SHITHOLE and I don't know what the answer is to stop it from stinking to high Heaven.

I have lost faith in a lot of people (no need to go into details here) who I trusted to help me answer these questions in the past......

and now I feel lost........

BUT knowing who I am

things will become clearer (which may involve me swallowing my pride a little - really hate that...admitting I "may" have been incorrect or been given information that may not be quite truthful - grrrrrr)

the shithole will compost nicely and fertilise the seed of doubt in my head

and a beautiful garden full of possibilities will emerge....

possibilities.......

Remember when Your Mother said....

If you have nothing nice to say......

don't say anything at all????


I'll be back posting when the scum has been skimmed from the surface of the Crucible (ah, don't you just love a loaded metaphor?!!)

HAPPY EASTER....

So glad to see the money we're spending on Mackinley's Catholic education is paying off!!! Although we're still battling with the question, "Why is Good Friday so GOOD??" and "Who killed Jesus!!?"

You'd think with a major in Theology and all things historical, patristic, sacramental and pedagogical, I'd be able to pare it down to the basics and explain it to my child!!!

YOU'D THINK!!!

Anyhoo, he decided to balance the whole "PASSION CONUNDRUM" with a little battle scene from Star Wars. Yoda is 5th from the right with the pointy ears, and the figures 6th and 7th from the left are having a light sabre duel.

a little interpretation required: "rchreet" is actually RETREAT......(not bad when you think about it!!)
I still need to do extra work on his apostrophe placement (and then I'll teach the WORLD!!!!).

EASTER SUNDAY
A lovely way-too-much-food-again lunch at Mum's. We all commented on how easier it's been the older the kids get. Aside from the fact that Rita, Marc, Cooper and Xavier were at the coast for the weekend - we RELAXED!!!

Mum sold the Merc!!!! The "german tank" that went from the factory floor to our wee abode at Newmarket in 1972, now has a new home (somewhere in Sandgate I believe). Mum's been teary all week and I completely understand. That car was HER car and EVERYONE in the Grange and surrounds knew the car and her and we were forever waving to people in the street. It was kinda cool learning how to drive in that car. I really appreciated quality workmanship and the gentle hummmmmm of European cars. Fabulous stuff. And I doubt anyone else has had a car for that long either!!! They just don't make them like they used to (even Mercedes Benz)!

For the motor buffs - it was a Mercedes Benz 230E Automatic 1971/72. There were only approximately 260 000 made in the dark grape purple colour with cream leather interior. Obviously no crumple zones in this car!!! Farewell old friend. Enjoy your new family. We'll miss you :(

Donnellys over for a BBQ yesterday. I must say for the first time in a LOOOONG time, we were supremely prepared....SUPREMELY!!! It's amazing how the improvement in Rainer has affected our lives! He was happy, we were happy, the food preps were happy - EVERYONE WAS HAPPY AND RELAXED!! I felt like a different person and it felt GOOD!

Here's cheers!!! Today I love my life.

brighter and buoyant....

Clearing the Backlog!!

HOLY GOOD FRIDAY!!

It must seem that I'm doing an awful lot of scrapping, but in reality these projects have been sitting on my table for weeks (or in my wee brain.....stewing, festering, morphing into something....else!) and only now that the fog of sick kiddies and long work days for Michael has cleared, I'm having a SCRAP-BURST!!

Another great Challenge Blog - WHITE WITH 1 (and I can never get enough of being challenged ~cough~). March criteria -- white (der!!), green and the word luck/lucky.
The Fab-o Mrs Trish and I at "Sing for Kids" last October:

and some close-ups:












and I've been toying with the Watercolour pencils again and a whole pack of BG white rub-ons. I think it really would have been a stand-out with gouache instead of watercolours...oh well. Nice change to have a softer boy layout. Need me one of those brushes you fill with water.


I upped the contrast so the rub-ons would stand out, but it hasn't quite worked. Ah well, some close-ups in the next post per-chance.
{{EDITED TO ADD THOSE PESKY CLOSE-UPS!!}}

Junior Soccer Season is fast-approaching. Michael took Mackinley to the fields to mark out the new Roo Ball fields and decided to stay and mow with a couple of other parents who came to help out. There are never enough volunteers I've noticed. Doesn't matter where you play and what you play, it's the same parents each week who are there from start to finish making sure the day runs smoothly and the club doesn't fold. And then you have the same number of parents who like to spend the season complaining about how badly run the club is. Well, they are always welcome to step in and run things the way they feel it should!!! SERIOUSLY! Put your time where your mouth is. A club always needs fresh ideas........or zip it and be thankful.

Phew. That felt good!!!

And listening to this band ALWAYS makes me smile. Took me ages to find on YouTube!!! This is one of those bands you wish you'd made time to see. There's always next time (hopefully).


brighter and buoyant.......

ouch!!! going blind....

Ooops. It seems I've put my dear husband's nose out of joint. He politely reminded me tonight (seriously, he's just walked in from a meeting) that he and Rossy DON'T see each other all the time. It only APPEARS that way because they talk on the phone ALL THE TIME!!

Sorry honey!!

And I think I might password protect this blog. A girl has to have SOME secrets!!! -- just kidding....about the password, not the secrets!! Jeez.

Yes, I got Blind tonight. A nice bottle of Cab Sav, Michael out, kids in bed early (enough) and sat down to BLIND SCRAPPING at Scrap Therapy, hosted by the fabulous Belinda.



{{EDITED TO ADD SOME CLOSE-UPS}}




I really enjoyed the format and the end result. There's no album up for it yet so I'm being an eager beaver and wacking it on here.

Excited!!! Have got a couple of emails from some awesome scrappers and artists. I blog-hop and end up in some really amazing places. Don't have much time for that any more, but gosh, it was a heap of fun and people just love it when you love their work.

Funny that!!!

So from now on, must always leave comments on people's blogs.

Have my yummy materials for the next class at Inkredible. I'm excited!!! White on white, paint and yummo paper from Kaisercraft. Bring some yummy photos to use. Promise I won't make you do weird stuff to them, like soaking or sanding to within an inch of it's life .... pmsl.

FIRST WEDNESDAY NIGHT IN APRIL. And of course, Ngaire is doing next Saturday at Inkredible. Should be fun.

And I know I promised not to go out the night before (yes, Tamara), BUT spoke to Varna and we're meeting up next Friday night at Chalk Hotel. At least I don't have to get to the class until 1.30pm.

NEED GOUACHE AND CANVASES AND A MELTING POT!!!! I have withdrawal symptoms :(

Must upload photos of what I've dubbed our "alternative Mum's Group meeting" (hehe) but just waiting for some approvals. Don't want anyone outed from Witness Protection, do we???

more excitement news soon (so much to tell, so little time/attention span)

brighter and buoyant.....

the week that was ** A WINNER ** can you help??

I always like pushing myself to the limit. When I was young, energetic, foolish and pig-headed - I used to thrive on being overly-busy and (when the term became popular) "stressed".

These days, hmmmm, not so much. I do love to be challenged and scrapbooking has given my a great creative outlet for that (people love my stories about just how much a piece of ribbon can be tortured!!). On an emotional level, this week just about broke me. Rainer has his cough back and it's meant 3 days home with me, coughing like crazy and having monumental melt-downs!! I've been scratched, punched, bitten, head-butted, wrestled to the ground, pinched. Rainer has been slamming himself into all sorts of walls, doors, furniture and even glass. I was actually hoping for the police to turn up, just so I could hand him over, jump into the car and run away.

But then the screaming stops, the little breathless and exhausted body snuggles into mine and he huffs himself to sleep. I guess it's then that I remember that all these perceived BAD moments are a step forward. Believe it or not. He's beginning to make choices and get mightily peeved when I don't make the right one for him. HE wants to take control - AND THAT'S GREAT. But there's the obvious down side and I was glad to have Mum with me Thursday and Friday (coincidentally) to put a lot of his behaviour into perspective. "It's not just autistic children that behave that way, you know!!"

Yes Mum, I know.

Back-to-back 40th birthday parties!!! This year we both turn 40 which means just about everyone we know and love turns 40 this year. Lucien's was Thursday night at Lychee Lounge (just love the cocktails there) and Friday night was Graham's at Mercure Hotel - bagpipes and all!! It's awesome to get dressed up NICE for a change. We haven't seen Graham and Natalie for about 3 years. Michael and Rossy see each other all the time {rolls eyes} so yes, it's the rest of us that miss out - LOL.

No scrapbooking to speak of, although I do love some of the challenges out there. Maybe I'll get something done by the end of the month. (yes, I hear the sarcastic laughter from all corners of the blog-world!)

CONGRATULATIONS PT. I really couldn't get past the list of ultimate sacrifices in just one day!!!! Your bag of goodies await. And so too for Tamara and Melanie. Can't resist being in an overly generous mood (and getting rid of some girlie scrap stuff - heehee)

My people will call your people, blah, blah, blah.......

HELP WANTED.....
This is on
1000 hours
I've registered because any initiative that helps our children reach their potential is a good one, and I've also spent the last week finding about how little funding there is in child health and development. Go to the website, have a read and that figure of $40 000+ per annum ... is no joke either.

And this is on
AEIOU Trivia Night
I can just imagine how many KISS fans will turn up. I have no idea, so any suggestions would be appreciated.

brighter and buoyant.....(and some bruises this week)

announcement postponed *** Mum's Night (again)

Michael's been in Sydney the last 2 days so I'll announce the winner in the next day or so. Surprisingly, all 3 of you who posted fantastic lists, have girls, hmmmmm, so this may be a good opportunity to off-load some girly bits and pieces of which I have NO USE for LOL...

Trish hosted another fabulous Mum's Night Out on Saturday night. We were encouraged by the SPC Mum's Night Off last year, and frankly, she couldn't help herself!!! Unfortunately, there was a Red's match on at Suncorp, so it was hideously busy and no live band (boohoo). Managed to run into 2 ex-Villa boys who I haven't seen since 1999 (see, I still look 10 years younger!!!!) and they are doing great. Always nice when that happens.

Also bumped into a very old acquaintance who hadn't heard the news about Dad. Poor bugger. Had to buy him a drink - was completely shell-shocked. Dad must have been this "larger than life" figure to most boys my age. Snappy dresser, always in the mix, a little aggressive/assertive/obnoxious (take your pick LOL), wonderful conspiracy-theorist and great dancer!! For a time, even I thought he was indestructable!!! I'm sure it won't be the last time this is going to happen.

This time at The Caxton, an interesting age-mix. Lots of younger people (20's) and then pretty much nothing until the 40's/50's! Obviously the old rugger-buggers left wifey and the kids home to go out with the boys. Typically, some were complete gentlemen, and others, well, let's just say I had to put my "teacher voice" on at times. Bloody pests!!!! pmsl........

Got home at 3am and had to wake at 5am with Rainer. I'm sure my children have a sense of when I've gone out and enjoyed myself, just so they can wake early and really rub it in. Actually, it was probably my saving grace. Had a quick lie down in the afternoon and I was fine after that.

BUT......
promised myself one CC this month and here it is. Scrap Therapy had a TV themed CC with some very cool challenges. Mind you, a real departure from my usual style, but like the outcome. Picture of (L-R) Tess, Trish, Lena and me at last year's SPC Mum's Night Off.




I admire these 3 so much and always value their counsel (ie, they're not afraid to tell me I'm wrong!!! LOL....VERY brave indeed!!)

That's all. Working on some classes for Inkredible next month. Some of my all-time fave techniques and maybe something different.

brighter and buoyant......

calm blue oceans.....calm blue oceans...calm blue

Take a breath!!

It's been another busy week but I'm pleased to report that I did make it to the gym 3 times this week. Mind you on Monday and Friday I had to go AFTER drop off which gave me precious little time to do much else. **sigh** but at least I looked clean at pick up (heehee)

THE BLACK BALLOON

What an unreal movie!! Got a freebie invite via AEIOU and have been raving about it since Wednesday. I had to stop myself from going on all the forums and plugging it to death, but hopefully the word is getting out and people will go and see this movie. It's a great story, not just a movie about a family - and particularly a teenage boy - dealing with ASD.

If you live in Brisbane, the Wintergarden is donating all funds from the sale of their Blue Bags. Minimum donation is $2. I have one! They are cute and look very chic!!!

And still on all things ASD, the program of fundraising events for AEIOU came in the mail last week. Some new sponsors this year which is great news. The theme for the Trivia Night is ROCK N ROLL!! Should be a hoot!

Mackinley won a colouring in competition in his class this week and got this HUGE poster which now covers the entire wall in his room (okay, maybe that's an overstatement!!) - we are proud of him. Then yesterday he tells me that he won the class raffle - a glow stick! Then got peeved because it was only ONE stick, not an entire box --- had to chuckle a little and then did the "sympathetic Mum" thingy.

Dropped in at Scrap Therapy last night for their CyberCrop. It was nice to touch base again after such a long absence. Ode to all things TELEVISION. I plan to finish one challenge by Monday midnight.

I did, however, finish my 123 challenge page for March!!! Haven't done anything for WEEKS, so it was nice to dust off the cob webs.

Used up lots and lots of old and new stuff. Have been itching to use the Fancy Pants pp and stamps, the Grungboard, and the Autumn Leaves transparency!! Yummo to all!!

Here are some closeups




Rainer news:
He just seems to be getting better and better. The key to his communication is motivation, and if it's strong enough, the little blighter will speak!! This week we've had PLEASE DOWN HELP THIS CLAP ROLL BYE HI and not just once, but over and over. He's even set the table!! Sometimes I feel that these improvements in Rainer are a sign to me - an opportunity to take hold of and run with. I've perhaps been too cautious in the past but I'm stronger now to deal with the fall-out if what we try causes him to regress a little.

Does that make sense???

To Melanie and Tamara who both managed to make me LAUGH OUT LOUD with their list, you'll both be receiving some scrap-lovin' from me if no-one else dares to divulge! I'm sure they're out there....just not brave enough (heehee).

Lastly, thank you to the motorist who had this on their rear windscreen and taught Mackinley yet another "catch phrase" for that day.


yes, that is the view from the top of the main road. i really do love where i live :)

**brighter and buoyant***

Mackinley's play list + parties galore + RAK

HAPPY AUTUMN and it really does feel like Autumn today. The breeze is cooler and the sun wasn't so harsh this morning....NICE!!!

Believe it or not, my boys LOVE listening to Triple J in the car and lately I've been keeping a list of Mackinley's favourites and some that Rainer really responds to.

Today, for Mackinley it was the following because we spent so much time traveling between 2 parties. Crazy days.....

Kaiser Chiefs (such an Indie LOL)


and my personal fave too - The Killers (it's good when it/he LOOKS as good as it SOUNDS - wink)
When he hears the line ... "he doesn't look a thing like Jesus..", Mackinley used to ask if it was a hymn!!! They are precious, aren't they?

And Rainer really likes Foo Fighters "Long Road to Ruin" (and the clip is way too funny).

Had a party for Lily in the park and then Aiden's crazy party at Little TiGrrs. Next time it'll be BYO ear plugs!!! Indoor play centres are never too quiet. Luckily a cafe was nearby and they're old enough to do the "dump and run" for a while (hehe).

The VIP night at Inkredible was a heap of fun. Tamara and Kathleen gave the DT the job of being "team leaders" at each table of activities. Cherie and I thought it would be more exciting if we could see whose team finished each design first. Well, I don't think I have to say whose team won, do I????

NER NER NER CHERIE!!! (love you babe. better luck next time) Although big hats off to my team - Tina, Dina, Lyn, Carol and Esther (who is leaving for the UK for 12 months - have a great time Esther!!) who got stuck into the spirit of competition and rubbing it into Cherie.

FunkStreet Designs March kit looks really interesting!!! And I must have the Lusi Austin "It's a Date" stamp. I'd definitely use that one over and over again. Now I just need to find that money tree that people keep telling me about......

I'm off to buy some gouache next week. Yes, more painting things. My walls are really boring. I decided yesterday as I lay on my CLEAN (and let's leave it that way) couch, I need to do an "AE" and remove all of 2007's artwork by the boys and start a-new!!! And Easter is fast approaching so what better excuse for NEW BEGINNINGS.

And (a little late in posting) Mackinley has given up "evil black drink" (ie Pepsi) for Lent. I don't believe mothers should have to give anything up over Lent. We've sacrificed enough already!!!!
(I'll list.....my teeny tiny waist, slender calves, luscious locks, firm buttocks, career, intelligent coversation.....OKAY, NOW YOUR TURN!!!)

The best list (chosen by Michael LOL) will get a yummy pack of new things from me - because we Mums need a lift now and again (and I don't mean the "cosmetic lift" kind).

I'll give you all one week (because I know how busy you all are) and in the meantime I'll get the goody bag together and put a sneak on the blog.

brighter and buoyant.....
p.s. thanks to everyone for your supportive messages after the last rant. It really does fortify me. xxxx